On my street a few buildings down is a two-story structure of office spaces rented out to various business establishments. It’s off the main road with no signage on its worn façade, no lobby, and at night, an ominous, greenish David Lynch-esque lightbulb (visible from the sidewalk for the two glass pane doors) used to desperately flicker in the entranceway before burning out completely.
During my year and a half residence on this street, I’ve yet to see someone walk in or out of this building.
Last week with no business to preoccupy me, I decided to venture inside, but only as far as the entranceway as even curiosity doesn’t do much to embolden my normally unadventurous temperament. I began to read the directory but, afraid of being mistaken as either soliciting or lost, I took a photo instead to examine comfortably at home.
My intention at first was to Google these names, so to gain a better understanding of the different types of business being conducted not 100 yards away from me. But why let reality ruin a perfectly good chance to exercise imagination as well as erase forever the creepy charm of that once-flickering green light?
No. Instead, I choose to believe:
Dennison Academy in 201 is an elite all-boys prep school. So elite, in fact, that each grade, from 7th to 12th, consists of one student each. The rigorous entrance exams disqualify those students who cannot vocalize an understanding of Immanuel Kant while performing complex mathematical calculations in their heads while shooting and sinking 24 consecutive hoops.
ITSSN in 203 is the International Tea-drinkers Society of Sunny Nevada. The society, after having been established in Las Vegas during the Prohibition era, fled shortly thereafter to neighboring Southern California since the increasing gangster activity proved too much for their delicate sensibilities. They opened their doors in 1984 to enthusiasts worldwide and are now 120 million strong.
Don’t misinterpret the name of
Twisted But Gifted in room 204. No, this is not the business moniker of a couple enterprising east side hipsters providing some type of “sick and twisted” but ingenious service. Instead, the name is quite literal—two contortionists with a gift for predicting the outcomes of their clients’ love lives as well as Billboard’s next top 10.
Hip Hopkins Media in 205 was founded in 2006 by closet underground hip-hop mogul Anthony Hopkins. Now receiving demo submissions.
Acre Island and
Judge Belshaw share room 208. Acre Island, a real estate pyramid scam that sells timeshares on non-existent Caribbean islands has hired out the consultation services of ex magistrate Belshaw in the likely event that the scam is found out and sued by angry investors. Belshaw is paid with free office space.
KDP Music Soup in rooms 210 and 211, like Twisted but Gifted, bears a name that should not be taken figuratively. KDP produces a delectable soup that, if listened to closely and with great concentration, plays the favorite tune of whomever is consuming it. Despite naysayers, the business thrives and very recently bought out their competitors—WTF Music Chowder—who once occupied the adjacent room 211.
Dr. C. Loredo, Dentist in 202 is the only business I
did look up online and actually called in an attempt to make an appointment—as one of my left molars has lost its filling and needs mended. No one answered.
On my street a few buildings down is a two-story structure of office spaces rented out to various business establishments. It’s off the main road with no signage on its worn façade, no lobby, and at night, an ominous, greenish David Lynch-esque lightbulb (visible from the sidewalk for the two glass pane doors) used to desperately flicker in the entranceway before burning out completely.
If I'm accused of pretension or technonerdery because I love my iPhone, so be it. Why should I feel the need to hide my enthusiasm for it the way people refrain from gushing about their happy love lives in front of embittered and lonely friends? So those who are willing to hear out my case, spare me the accusations when I just happen to be one of those idiots who can't get from point A to B without consulting Google maps.
